Dear Precious Miracle Babies:

When Ava and Brennan were in NICU, I decided to write them letters. My goal in writing these letters was to one day show them their struggles and how strong they were. I wrote them when I was watching them sleep in their incubators, or their open cribs. I will spare you and only post a few of the letters.

The first letter was written on 11/13/08, when they were nearly one week old.

Dear Ava,
As I fill this out, you lay in front of me in your isolette. You are almost one week old. At this exact moment one week ago, contractions started and you and Brennan wanted out your cozy home. We like to think you just wanted a Christmas present. You are the most beautiful baby girl we have ever layed eyes on. You are more perfect than we ever imagined. We are so proud of how strong you've been, despite your tiny size. You thrive more and more everyday and you will never know how proud we are of you. You are our little hero. I know your miss your brother, and we are working very hard to have him back here with you soon. We are so lucky to be your parents. We love you more than anything, sweetheart and look forward to our lives together.

Love,
Mommy and Daddy

Dear Brennan,
As I fill this out, you are in NICU at Children's Healthcare of Atlanta at Egelston. You've had a rough start. I sometimes blame myself that you were born early, and have had to endure so much already. When you were 3 days old, you were diagnosed with a perforated bowel. The Neonatologist told me you would have to be sent to either Augusta or Atlanta to Egelson. We were so afraid. We were so mad. It wasn't fair that our sweet baby had to have surgery and at only 72 hours old. The Angel Team came to get you and took you away from us. We left sissy in the care of Gammy and Pop and we left for Atlanta to be with you. We got to see you briefly before the surgery. We kissed you, told you how much we loved you, and cried. It was so hard for us not to be in control of our own son. You were taken away to surgery. Everyone was praying for you....everyone. After what seemed like an eternity, the surgeon came out and told us you had done great during the surgery. They ended up only have to cut a small portion of your intestine (a few centimeters). She informed us that there would be no long term complications and she expected you to recover nicely. Our prayers had been answered. God is so good. We never realized how powerful prayer was until you and your sister came along. You are still on the ventilator. They intubated you for surgery. They are keeping you on it to ensure that your pain medications won't depress your breathing. You are doing so well, though! You are on room air settings on the vent, which means you will probably be weaned tomorrow. They don't forsee it being a problem, since you had no respiratory problems at birth. We are so proud of you. You are so, very strong. It looks as though you will be back with your sister in about 1 week. You have to have a bowel movement, and then digest your breastmilk before you can go back to Athens with sissy. For now, they are giving your tummy a rest. Baby boy, you amaze us more and more everyday. You and sissy are our heros. We love you more than anything, sweetheart and can't wait until you're home with us. We are going to have so much fun together. Until next time, stay strong. We love you.

Love,
Mommy and Daddy

Too early.

I went to work on November 3rd. It was a normal day, although I was a lot more tired than usual. I blamed it on being a whale. After the first part of the day was over, I decided I would only work 4 hours from then until the babies arrived. I went home, took a shower, and fell down on the couch. I got back up to dry my hair and my water broke. I didn't exactly know what was going on. I asked Cory "Umm, did my water just break!?" He was freaking out. I called Mama, told her what happened, and she told me to call the OB's office. Cory called and the answering service was already on. He told the operator what happened and not even 1 minute later, Patty called. She is a nurse at the OB's office. She told us to go to Athens Regional Labor and Delivery and that Dr. Goggin would meet us there. On the way there, I had no contractions. I was pretty numb. I was just shaking. I was so worried about my precious babies. I was on 28 weeks and 5 days pregnant. I knew viability was at 24 weeks, but I was so scared.

We got to the ER. Cory helped me out of the car at the front door of the ER. Someone wheeled me inside. They asked me what I was there for. I told the young guy sitting there that my water had broken about 1 hour ago. Cory finally came inside and the young guy wheeled us to Labor and Delivery. That night is pretty much a blur. I was hooked up to fetal monitors ALL night long, stuck with 50 needles (steriods, terbutaline to stop contractions, IVs, etc.). I couldn't eat incase I went into labor. Try telling a huge pregnant woman she can't eat until tomorrow morning! That night was relatively uneventful. Dr. Goggin came in the next day and said the babies were doing great. He did an ultrasound and said that Brennan had broken the water, but he had a good amount of fluid left. I was so thankful. Dr. Goggin then proceeded to say I would be on hospital bed rest until they arrived. I asked him "How long are we looking at here?!" He said "Well, you could possibly stay in until 38 weeks, when I would have originally scheduled a c-section." 10 weeks?!?!?! I couldn't bare to think about it. Little did I know, I would have much rather been on hospital bed rest than see my tiny babies in NICU. I wanted him to assure me that everything would be ok. And he did. I trusted him with my life, and more importantly, I trusted him with theirs. He had been through a similar situation with his twins. His wife delivered prematurely at 24 weeks. They lost one of their twins, but their girl, Kate is now 8 years old. Anyway, the week rocked on. Nothing major happened. I was getting non stress tests every 4 hours and the babies were doing great. I was getting the terbutaline to stop contractions before they started. Everything was good, up until Thursday, November 6th. I woke up feeling terrible. Cory was lying over on the fold out chair, snoozing. I woke him up because I felt as though I couldn't breathe. As a nurse, I knew Terbutaline had terrible side effects and shortness of breath was not an uncommon side effect. Cory wanted me to call the nurse, so I did. She gave me some oxygen and called Dr. Goggin. He stopped the Terbutaline because my shortness of breath had gotten worse. My 02 sat was 81, which is NOT good. I then got the headache from HELL and they could only give me Tylenol. I then began some cramping. I didn't say anything to Cory about the cramping. Instead, I told him he needed to go home and get a good night's sleep. He didn't want to, but finally agreed to go home. Mama came to stay with me at the hospital. I promised Cory I would call him if anything at all happened. A few minutes after Mama got to the room, I told her I was cramping. Nothing major, but I felt it. I begged her not to say anything. As the night progressed, the cramping got worse. By around 11pm, I was in full blown labor. I was having severe contractions that were about 5 minutes apart. They gave me Percocet, which didn't even touch the contractions. The nurse called Dr. Goggin and back to Labor and Delivery I went. I had been on Mother/Baby for my bedrest. Mama called Cory and he got there in like 20 minutes. The pain was TERRIBLE. They gave me the terbutaline again, but it didn't work. The L &D nurse had to re-start my IV because the other nurses had taken it out. She couldn't get a vein, and had to stick me 2-3 times. I didn't care: I just wanted pain medicine! I needed sleep. Finally they got the IV, gave me pain meds, and it relieved the contractions a little. My pain level went from a 7,000 to maybe a 2,000. :) I would doze off for a few minutes. Then, wake up again with that terrible pain. Dr. Goggin finally arrived around 9:15am. He checked me and put his hand on my hand and said "Sweetie, it's time!" I was 7cm dilated. The nurse got Cory's scrubs, they prepped me for an emergency c-section, and off we went to the c-section room. Cory had to wait outside while they gave me the spinal. I was having contractions during the spinal, so it was very hard for me to sit in the right position, which is chin to chest. It took forever for the spinal to go in correctly because I kept moving. Finally, it worked. I was numb. Cory came in. I was shaking so much and praying under my breathe. I had been crying from the pain. Cory had been crying, too. He was just as worried as I was. The doctors worked, and at 10:22am, my precious baby boy, Brennan Reeves Sauls entered the world screaming. That cry was the sweetest sound in the world. I didn't know if their lungs would be developed enough to cry. He weighed 2lbs 14oz.

At 10:24am, Ava Rose Sauls arrived. She weighed 2lbs 6oz. She cried, but not nearly as loud as Brennan. I only got to see her for 1 or 2 seconds. She was having a hard time breathing, and was immediately intubated.

Our precious babies were taken away from us before we even got to meet them. It was not fair. I had dreamed of this day for so long, but this was turning into a nightmare. I was so happy they were doing well, but so mad at the same time. I kept seeing mothers with their huge babies leaving the hospital, while my babies were struggling for their lives. Ava especially. Ava weighed 2lbs 6oz. She was on a ventilator for a few days. Brennan didn't require ventilation or oxygen. He was doing amazingly well. They were so tiny, and so beautiful. More beautiful than I ever imagined. I loved them more than anything and all of a sudden, nothing in the world mattered but them. I cried for everyday. I wanted my babies home with me. It was not fair that I had to leave them with strangers. I felt as though they wouldn't know how much I loved them. I was there everyday, morning, afternoon, and at night. There was nowhere else I wanted to be, but right there with them.

Long story short: we spent 6 weeks in NICU. NICU was our home for this time. There are so many ups and downs. The statement about NICU being like a rollercoaster is so true. One day they are doing great, the next terribly. Brennan had to be taken to Egelston for surgery, after doing so well for the first few days of his life. This was SO hard. With many prayers, we got through it. He was taken back to Athens after 10 days of being at Egelston. The rest of the NICU course wasn't too, terribly bad. They grew and got stronger and on December 22, 2008, they came home! Our wishes were granted: we had our family!

The Beginning

As I sit here, holding my blue eyed Princess, I am reminded of where it all started. I sometimes think about how life was before I had not one, but TWO babies. Cory and I could ALWAYS get our full 8 hours of sleep and more if we wanted. We could take our naps and lay around in our PJs all day on Sundays. We could come home, cook dinner, and watch TV until bedtime. We could spend our money freely. We actually HAD money. We lived for us! Life was simple. Our marriage was one that most would love to have. I'm not exactly sure how or when we decided that our lives were missing something. We had always talked about having children and we imagined how they would look and act. Cory had even made the comment "Wouldn't it be great to have twins?" Little did he know, right?

On May 9th, 2008, the Staffing Coordinator at work was in a bind. She was down a nurse to work 11-7 on the two units upstairs. If you know anything about where I work, you know working D and E is NOT fun. You know that finding a nurse to work those units on short notice is nearly impossible. So, being the nice person I am (HAHA), I agreed to work them. Besides, Mama had picked up an extra shift and if I got in a bind, I'd just call her. The night went smoothly, although I felt very nauseated the whole time. I just blamed it on working night shift, since I'm not at all used it. Those who know me know I LOVE to go to bed early! I went home, still feeling a little nauseated. When I got home, I had to unwind. I couldn't just hop into bed. It had been about 2 weeks since ovulation, so I decided to take a pregnancy test. Pregnancy tests had become a weekly item on the grocery store list, so I had plenty. Cory wasn't home, and I knew it was unfair to test without him at home, but I knew I wasn't pregnant so it didn't really matter. I took the test, layed it on the bathroom counter, and walked to the back door to let the dogs outside. I walked back in the bathroom and looked at the test. It showed a faint positive. I remember thinking "That can't be right!" So, being the OCD person I am, I took another one. This one was digital. I walked around the bathroom, waiting for the results. I looked down and it said 'Pregnant.' I was in total disbelief. I called Mama, who was sleeping, and said "Mama, I think I just got a positive pregancy test." She woke right up and said "WHAT?!?!?!?! you think?!?!?!" I then called Cory and told him. He didn't believe me. He then said he would believe it if I got a blood test. We both didn't want to get our hopes up, only to be let down by a negative test. It being Saturday, I knew I couldn't get one over the weekend. the weekend rocked on and finally MONDAY morning arrived. I called over to the hospital, where I knew my doctor was making rounds and asked her to write an order for a serum HCG. She did, I got my blood drawn, and after what seemed like 20 years, my results were up! My friend Melissa came down to my office and said "LOOK AT THEM!" I told her I was scared, but she made me look at them. My HCG was 90 7 days past ovulation! I WAS PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mama screamed, Cory screamed. It was a miracle!

I went for my first prenatal appointment that Friday. I was originally scheduled for a pap smear. They checked my HCG again and it was 600! Whoa. I was only 4 1/2 weeks pregnant. I recall a friend of mine saying "Dang, Ashley: I think you have twins!" I was like "HA HA, whatever!"

The next few weeks went on and I was nauseated, but never had morning sickness. There was nothing major to really report. On June 10th, I went to my OB for my very first ultrasound. He made the comment to Cory and I "Wouldn't it be great if you had twins?" He told us the chances of having twins and other info on twins. I was like "Umm, is there something you know that I don't?!" He put the ultrasound toy on my stomach and I saw what looked to be TWO sacks. I didn't say anything, because I didn't want to look like a total idiot. He said "Oh, Ashley." and then Mama says "Are you serious?!" I was freaking at this point, saying "MAMA, WHAT IS IT?! My OB had his hands behind is back, motioning 2 with his fingers. He then revealed we would be the pround parents of TWO babies on January 21, 2009. We were beyond words. This was the happiest moment in our lives, thus far. God had blessed us with this pregnancy and two babies to share our love with.

The next weeks were great. I had no real pregnancy symptoms. I didn't care if I did. My belly got bigger, along with my hips and butt. We took pictures of my belly every week at work; I hardly even recognized myself. I didn't care how big I got, though, because that meant my precious babies were growing. We had the big ultrasound and found out God had blessed us with a baby boy AND a baby girl. We had ultrasounds every 2 weeks, but this one was the one we had looked forward to. I was in love with them already. I wanted nothing but the best for them. I took my vitamins, drank my milk, read to them, and sang to them. I got to know them so well. I got to know the foods they hated me to eat, I got to feel the strong kicks (although I rarely knew which one was kicking), I got to feel them hiccup. I remember the first time Cory felt a strong kick. I remember Brennan being in weird positions at night, which would make my stomach look like something from a horror movie.

I had no complications throughout my pregnancy. My blood pressure was good, I didn't gain too much weight, I passed my Glucose Tolerance Test. Everything was GREAT!

The first picture was taken in June 2008. The second on my birthday, August 13th. The third in September. Notice my pants are cut on the sides in September. :)